Internal Family Systems, the theory that “parts work” comes from, suggests our psyches aren’t a singular monolith, but comprised of many different “parts”. When we start doing parts work, noticing all the versions of us that live inside us can be overwhelming. It’s can be hard to sort out who is who.
While we may be home to many parts, it’s helpful to understand that there are generally three types of parts, playing certain types of roles. While it’s not a perfect metaphor, it might be useful to think of the different parts as different positions working for the same company. People have different jobs, but a shared goal of contributing to whatever the company’s mission is. In addition to the three primary types of parts, there is also a more mysterious, secret fourth thing. More on that later.
These parts play different roles to keep the whole system afloat. Here are the three main types of parts:
Exiles:
Exiles are our most vulnerable parts. They are the ones that experienced the initial wounding. Stuck in the past, they continue to hold the pain of unresolved trauma, their present through challenges at work, with family, and relationships. They want to be witnessed but don’t feel safe to be seen. Examples of exiles include the abandoned, neglected or abused child, the shamed, othered or overwhelmed self.
Managers:
Managers are protective parts that facilitate our day to day functioning. Their strategies are formed to prevent younger, wounded parts (exiles) from re-experiencing painful feelings by maintain order and structure. Examples of manager roles include people pleasing, stoicism, self criticism, perfectionism.
Firefighters:
Firefighters show up to numb or “extinguish” painful thoughts/feelings after our core wounds (exiles) have been triggered. They arrive when a trigger is too intense or immediate for the manager to effectively handle. Firefighters might help us avoid painful feelings through escapism (like doomscrolling or dissociation), having anger outbursts and picking fights, numbing through alcohol/drug use, excessive shopping or binge eating.
The secret fourth thing: The Core Self.
This is not a part at all, but our true essence. This is characterized by an inner harmony, a sense of wholeness. It is the result of integration of all of our parts, it needs no fixing. The Core Self cannot be fabricated, and is only naturally elicited when we feel truly safe.
When we assist our managers, firefighters, and exiles in putting down the fear based roles they’ve been playing for years, this is where we arrive. We call living from the Core Self ‘Self Leadership” and is the primary goal of parts work.
